June 18, 2008
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Frustration Sets In
Ladies and gents, I need some of your wise imput.
I realize that we all are different; we are all raised by different parents and families with different emphasis on different values and different practices. We live in different environments with different friends and different circumstances. Sometimes there are similarities. Sometimes, we are worlds apart from each other in thought processes or life situations.
But the one thing I think most people are generally in sync with is common courtesy. Most people out there do grasp this concept and generally believe in it, unless they've been particularly wronged by a party, in which case, perhaps their "right" to common courtesy is withdrawn.
Here's the thing tho.
Why can I not seem to get common courtesy from my own boyfriend sometimes?
Let me lay out the situation for you, and maybe you can explain to me what I am not getting.
I work. He works.
I work in an office...one that is generally aflutter with activity. I sit at a desk all day, and while I frequent the gym at lunch, sometimes I go out with my coworkers....like today, since it's a gorgeous 75 degrees and sunny.
His job has him working offsite - he travels to client locations all day, which sometimes allows for a bit more flexibility, but he does indeed have a busy job and his days are often full. Because he travels the local area so much, he often eats on the run....and rarely has the opportunity (or desire, I believe) to check in with coworkers for a group lunch.
Now, he knows I work out. He know what time I usually run to lunch, if I take one. He would often call me around this time - and sometimes, I would not hear the cell phone...either because the restaurant I was in is too loud or I was in the gym working out. Or, sometimes, I would not answer the phone - because if I am in a conversation with my coworkers, particularly about work, I just consider it rude to suddenly take a call that I know is just a "check in - hi how are ya" call from my boyfriend, who I figure I can call back as soon as I get back to the office.
He has gotten upset that I do not answer my phone when he calls (regardless if I call him back shortly thereafter). He says its rude to HIM that I don't answer the phone or have it on me. He actually got so upset about this, he stopped calling me during the day for some time, saying he wouldn't bother "bothering" me if I was so busy having lunch with my coworkers or not carrying my phone. I chalked it up to him being too sensitive. But since then, I've made sure my phone was on me (other than when on the treadmill) and I've actually gone against my better judgement and the ettiquette I was raised with - and answer my phone if I'm at lunch. He still almost never calls me during the day anymore tho.
ANYHOO, today he called me while I was out with coworkers again. By the time I dug my phone out of my purse to answer it, I had missed the call. After taking a minute to pay my portion of the bill, I called him right back, and got his voicemail. He then called ME back 10 mins later - just as we were all getting back to the office. First, he seemed irritated I was not at the gym working out. (Read - making me feel like he thinks I am fat and should go work out.) Then, he wanted to know WHY I went and WHY we went there (Olive Garden). (Read - interrogation session?) Then when I asked him about his day, he said it was ok, and cut the converstation short, "You know what, I'll talk to you later." Click.
What exactly did I do so wrong here? Why was I being given attitude? I have dated this guy for almost 5 years. I have never cheated on him or given him any reason to think I would. In fact, I tell him I love him all the time and I have yet to hear him say that out loud to me. If anyone has reason to be insecure, it would be me.
Am I being unreasonable? I feel like he expects me to sit and be at his beck and call. I feel like I cannot go for a simple lunch with coworkers without it being questioned suspiciously. And what happens is he acts like he did and then I come back to work, sick to my stomach because I feel like he's upset with me for something I have no clue to what it is about. I've talked to him about this before....and he just didn't seem to see my point. He in his mind sees nothing wrong with his actions, and everything wrong with mine.
Seriously, am I missing something here?
Weeeeelll....sorry subscribers. If you've made it this far, you are far too loyal. If you did make it this far, I'd love your opinion. Be honest. LOL, I won't axe you if you disagree with me. I am just trying to understand why we think so seriously differenly about this......*sigh*
Comments (7)
I don't think you're being unreasonable. In fact, I think he's being shady.
As to why he's doing it? He's a man. Who knows men better than other men. I don't get them. But his actions send up some red flags to me and it's more than likely because I had someone in my life that did that to me and thankfully, our relationship is now over.
My question is, Why all of a sudden? What changed? Perhaps it's with him and not you.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Unfortunately I don't have any practical advice for you, either. If he's not behaving as you'd like (as anyone would like a boyfriend to act) after all this time, chances are, he's not going to. But....if it makes you feel any better, I think he's a fool to NOT give himself 100% to you. As good as things are (when you are getting along), they could be sooooo much better. It's a shame for you both that he is holding back.
I think your actions or call screenings are totally ok. If it is just a check in call what is his deal? In my opinion (he he he), we all have our own lives we just have to be willing to make room for the other in it. To me it sounds very one sided, in that you give and he takes. Its not that you are completely ignoring his call, you are just calling back at a more suitable time. I have a friend in the same prediciment she gives, he takes... its only been 8 months, but I just can't stress to her enough if he hasn't changed yet, it won't happen down the road. Good luck.
I was in the same boat with my pirate. He would get worried/mad/irritated when I would not text him back in less than 30 seconds or answer my phone when he would call me at work. Sometimes I work through lunch and have lunch at 3 p.m. instead of 12 p.m. like usual and would miss his calls. Or if I was out having dinner with a friend and didn't text him back as regularly (I too consider it rude to answer a call/text when you are with someone already) he would get mad. So after a few months of this I told him we had to sit down and talk about it because it was driving me crazy. He didn't realize that I found it rude to to take calls or text back like a junkie when out at dinner or at work when it's busy (I work with people all day, brides & groom's, and my job is clearly not about me and all about my client). He calmed down when I explained it to him. I think my guy's reaction was due to his last relationship, it was long distance and it turned out his ex had been cheating on him almost the entire time with her best friend, their mutual friend. Now he's okay with whenever I am able to return his call and text him back. So far, with this issue, all is good with us.
I thought I would share and if it helps then great.
He seems a little selfish, especially given that you let him go on a road trip to Vegas with his friends...
I hope he isn't doing something that he feels guilty about, and projecting his guilt at you, to try to justify his actions to himself
@jayless - That briefly crossed my mind and I'm trying hard not to think too much about it. While he's never given me a reason to mistrust him, I know they say that sometimes behavior is rooted in guilt, just like you said. Ugh. LOL!