March 15, 2007
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All I ever wanted....
They recently found a prehistoric couple in Italy who died in each other arms....(or specifically, one seems to have been murdered, the other it is not clear, but anyhow).
This is all I ever wanted...... to find someone who I loved who wanted to be with me til the end of time. Reciprical love. I love this picture so much. It makes my heart ache. Some people don't like it because they think it's creepy. I think it's so beautiful. I actually would love a painting of it.
I've never met any (ok, one) of NonBF's friends or family. They live out of state, but only about two hours away. And he goes to see them often enough it's not like he couldn't invite me with. In the past I've understood why he hasn't taken me up there - he stays with his parents and if I come, well, that will raise all kinds of questions he is not ready to answer (seeing as that I'm not his official girlfriend, but whatever.) But I kinda get that. Honestly tho, I don't think any of them know about me, or that he's dating me, even casually.
Today, FINALLY one of his friend's wives is flying out of O'hare Airport, so they are driving down here the night before....and staying with him. Thursday nights are the night my son goes to his dad's house. I'm free every Thursday. Thursdays NonBF and I almost always do things together. I asked him if he wanted to see "300" tonight and thats when he told me his friend and his wife were coming down.
I knew he wouldn't invite me to hang out with them. I knew it. Yet I still waited for the invitation like a stupid niave idiot. And after he said, we'll have to do "300" another night, he asked what I will do instead. Leaving no question that he wasn't going say "hey, come hang out with us and meet my friends...." I just eventually replied with "Um, laundry..."
Ok, so i know it's a workweek night, and i know they won't get there until 8-9pm and maybe THEY will be tired, but.....I just.....
Why am I not good enough? I mean, I know I'm good enough (ok, so not thin or gorgeous enough, but I got everything else, dammit!), but after 3 1/2 years, why doesn't he think I'm good enough? And if I'm not, WHY is he still here???? It make me think of that movie "Shopgirl" all over again. And that maybe I AM stupid for not choosing to hurt now....(see previous post).
I'm starting to get used to the idea of not finding that person to be with until the end of time. It's really hard, because it's the only real dream I really ever not just wanted, but needed to come true. Its really a wake up call to realize that your life turned out NOTHING like you planned, even though you planned and worked hard and tried to find your dreams and goals.
I was going to be a world travelling successful businesswoman, with a fantastic guy, no kids and a life full of expensive cars, fantastic vacations and lots of friends and endless possibilities. Both my grade school and high school yearbooks list me as "most likely to succeed" and "best personality"........THE IRONY.
Instead, I am a single working divorced mom struggling every day, who is dating someone who doesn't even want her for a "real" girlfriend. How pathetic I feel to be in my thirties and yet not able to find a normal adult relationships no matter how hard I try. It must be me. None of my friends have these problems. So again, what is wrong with me and why am I not good enough?
Comments (1)
Okay, this hurts. This really hurts. I wish I could share with you how I can totally relate to you, but right now, I can't because .... I guess it hurts too much to relive those moments by typing them all over again.
What I do remember is wanting to know that I was good enough. That someone would come along and tell me that I was worth it. That I have so much going for me, and all I have to do is keep my head up high and wait awhile. I hate it when I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I never had enough going for me. And then I ended up trying to change myself because I end up being uncomfortable for being who I am. And it's not because I didn't like myself to begin with... it's more like, she never loved me for me. So I ended up trying to change me, because I thought "me" was never good enough for anybody.
You many not need this, but I'd like to say it anyway. I love the way you write because you pour your heart into what you say. I love the way you discipline yourself to be sexy because it makes me what to fly to Chicago and just steal you away from him, and just have you all for myself. I still think your successful and still have the best personality because your blogs still declare that you still are. I think your a fantastic mother, and any guy who would want a family cannot even think twice to pass you up. I think your adventurous and I believe any man who would want to have you for the rest of his life would be able to see places that he's never seen before, and has never experienced the excitement and surprises if it wasn't for you. I think you're everything NonBF wants, but it's unfortunate that he doesn't see it right now.
You're gorgeous, ravishing, beautiful, and everything. And I hope this comment stays as a reminder for you. So when you forget, you can always have hope that there's someone out there that thinks this way of you. And with the billions and billions of people out there, you can be sure that there's someone else that feels the same way.
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