March 12, 2007

• Control

  

  The thing that amazes me is how I can have complete self control, focused and with almost an aloof ease to "just say no" and not eat.  It can be so easy.  And then something in me snaps unexpectedly and I am suddenly sitting in my chair with an empty Snickers bar wrapper in my hands and I have almost NO recollection of going to the vending machine and getting it.  I am not even kidding.

  Now, it isn't horrible damage today, I am not going to let it ruin my entire day and get me upset.  270 calories.

  BUT

  It's the type of calories.

  What has happened with my ED as I've gotten older is I am no longer just obsessed with calories counts and restriction.  Now it's the quality of the calories. It's a twisted way to try to feel like I am being "healthy" if I choose the correct foods instead of just eat "500 calories" of whatever.   I now have a much fuller understanding of how the body works, and how different nutrients affect your blood sugar levels and how that in turn affects your weight and your hunger levels and even more extensively all your other organs, including even your skin.  Partly the curse of getting old and freaking out that it's not just weight anymore that makes you look like crap.  Anyhow....

  270 calories = not AWFUL

  270 calories of complex sugar that is only going to set my appetite RAGING and make it very very difficult to fight off hunger pains for the rest of the day and only want a cheeseburger and french fries for lunch?  = VERY VERY BAD.

  So this is going to be one of the tougher days.  I guess I'll just chalk it up to it being Monday.  And drink water like mad to keep my tummy full and not screaming at me.....

  This weekend I was talking to the girl who does my facials and she is a vegetarian.  Now, I love meat.  Specifically, I love steak.  The thought of a juicy steak makes my mouth water - and protein is something that does NOT increase hunger when eaten and I definitely don't get enough protein, so it's all good for me generally.  BUT - I've heard now from more than one person that changing to a vegetarian diet actually helps your MOODS....that getting rid of the toxins associated with animals helps in turn rid them from your own system, which had a very positive effect on your psychological state.  It works like an antidepressant - or more specifically, depression-eliminating agent.  I'm fascinated now by this and am going to start really reading up on this.

  My only problem is I am not a fan of salads or vegetables.  I'll eat them if backed into a corner, I just don't care for them.  Normally I choose not to eat instead.  So if I choose to see how life could be lived as a vegetarian, I fear that instead of trying to eat a better diet I will only sink further into a restrictive state.

  Of course, the sick part of me thinks this is a fantastic plan to ensure increased weight loss.

  Anyhoo, I'm going to start reading more about it all.  I like the idea of not being as moody as I can be.  And my aesthetician looks amazing - she's thin, she's beautiful, her skin is perfect, she's always happy - maybe there is something to be learned here.

  • 11:48 am
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