March 6, 2007
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Feminity
I know I have always been somewhat of a tomboy - I like to do boy things. I liked climbing trees and watching Miami Vice. I liked playing with boy toys like cars. Actually, I still adore cars and know a lot about them. I also like sports and can hold a semi-intelligent conversation regarding them better than most women. I like wearing jeans and getting dirty. I'm very independent and have been taking care of myself for a long time.
But I am still a woman. I still love bubble baths, and smelling nice and being treated gently. I still love being taken out and dressing up, feeling pretty and having the door openned for me. See though, it's the treating part that never happens. All men just seem to think because of my rough exterior, low maintenance demeanor and affinity for football, I am like one of the guys, that they can tease, harrass, joke, etc with me just the same. That I don't need any of those girly perks. I like fitting in with the guys, I do, but none of them ever seem to remember I'm a girl first. I long to be touched the way that picture shows...I've never had a guy treat me in that tender, "she's fragile and I must take care of her" way. I imagine it is because of my personality and probably my own fault. But it makes me feel so unattractive and at this point in life I wonder if I will ever know what it will be like to be with someone who would think of me as precious and needing to be protected. I think at this point I'm prepared to take care of my self in terms of protection but gosh, what I wouldn't give to know what it's like to get flowers just because I'm a girl, or be told I am beautiful (other than when I'm naked) or be introduced on someone's arm with pride. I imagine the feeling is the most amazing. I'll never stop dreaming about it. I'm sure its a lot because I'm not thin enough or "pretty" enough. I've been called "cute" a million times. Cute is a curse. Cute doesn't make people fall in love. I just want to be thin and beautiful and looked at like "wow, she's amazing"....cuz regardless of how amazing I can be on the inside, guys really only want you if you are also amazing to them on the outside. Most see your shell as a reflection of what you are inside, even if it's not true. I already know I'm pretty great on the inside. But I'm a living example of why that's just not enough.
Comments (2)
Hi!
Yes, it’s me! When you called me J, I was like, “Who are you and what did you do with my children.” Then I realized that I didn’t have any children, and that I should stop watching films that make me paranoid. Considering that pretty much anything makes me paranoid, though, I should probably just sit and stare at the blank, pretty walls.
I apologize in advance for not being able to spend much time here—I’m at work, so I’m responding on my stretch/brain breaks. I did manage to sneak a peek at your latest entry, which seems to be about being riding the line between being a girly girl and a tomboy. I’m SO coming back to read that one, because I keep revisiting that same theme in my life. I was hoping that by this point, I’d have that part of my identity nicely wrapped, in a box and ready to present to the world as a complete personality. No such luck.
Hiding out’s no fun! L I’m sorry that you’re having a rough-ish time. I would ask what’s going on, but I can probably figure that out by reading some more of your entries.
Ack! Have to go.
Take care.
Whoa.
Sorry about the weird spacing. I wrote that comment in Word, so the formatting is all squirrely.