March 5, 2007

• The Impossible Dream

  I'm an expert at dreaming the impossible dream.  I manage to conjure up just enough hope that i've convinced myself something could happen, and therefore spin my wheels believing in it until I am exhausted from the spinning and collapse.  You would think I've learned my lesson by now.  NOT.

  A friend called me at 1 o'clock in the morning last night (gee thanks) just as I had fallen asleep.....to tell me, rather apprehensively that the guy I'm dating (and have been for over three years) still has his profile up on match.com and that it appeared active within the last 24 hours.

  I know this.  I try not to remember it most times.  Supposedly he has no subscription, but just has his profile visible....I imagine this would bother every other red blooded girl and most would call me stupid for not seeing it as a red flag, but at this point, what am I to do?  He isn't dating anyone else.  We've never had a formal committment.  Are my hands not tied if I wish to continue seeing him? 

  I saw "Shopgirl" the other day (Claire Danes, Steve Martin)....it was a really good movie, amazingly written (by Steve Martin, who I have a completely different perspective of now).  But there is a line in the movie....she realizes that regardless of the endless hours, amazing time, amazing everything together, he never intended for her to be "the one" - that really, he is just passing time with her.  Which he thought he had made clear, but obviously through time she assumed things had changed.  So she says to herself, "Well, then either I hurt now or hurt later..."

  and then chooses to hurt "now" and walks away.

  Am I wrong for choosing  "later"?  Why does everyone seem to think it's wrong to have a little bit of happiness for a while instead of none at all?

   

  Why it is a matter of pride instead of simply a matter of living in the moment?

  • 4:26 pm
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