February 13, 2007

  • Pitfall Harry

                                           pitfall

    So when I was little, I used to play Atari (before the days of Nintendo, Playstation and Wii).  Yeah, I'm that old.  But one of my favorite games was Pitfall....you (as Pitfall Harry) had to run through the jungle, swinging on vines over swamps, jumping on aligators heads to get over water, and hopping over many a lethal obsticle in order to make it to....well, I don't know, I never made it that far.  Gold, I think...treasure of some sort.

    I always either let go of the vine too soon and fell in the water and died or jumped onto the aligators mouth instead of his head and was eaten.

    I pretty much sucked.  But I so loved that game.

    My life is one big pitfall.  I can't seem to get anything right.  I keep swinging myself into a swamp or alligator mouth.  And so often it seems I have no inner strength to do what I should do. I know how to win...I do...I just can't seem to do what I need to ensure it.  What is wrong with me?  It's like internally, I am making sure I fail at everything.  Or sabotage myself enough until some fighter instinct in me cleans up the crap as fast as I can and slaps a band aid on, praying it will hold, barely in time.

    I am the most unorganized person I know.  It certainly contributes to my issues....its certainly a root of why I screw so many things up.  If I could organize (and KEEP organzied) certain aspects of my life....it would be so very different.  But instead I drift off to a daydream land, preferring to lay down and pretend reality doesn't exist and hoping everything will just disappear if i don't think about it or take care of itself.  It's extremely distructive behavior.  But I still can't stop.

    Its the same with food.  I work hard at something and then inevitably, its like a lightswitch is clicked and I'm having an out of body experience....asking myself "um, what are you doing? do NOT do this," all the while doing it.  Ten minutes later, hating myself, feeling sick and now completely depressed at ruining everything I worked at.  How many times are you supposed to get back on the horse before you realize you just can't ride?

    Right now, I just wish someone would take a chain saw to my stomach to make it go away.